A reminder of the past

This week we took the kids to play miniature golf for the first time.  We took them to a course that we went to with my family all the time when I was a kid.  It was eery how nothing had really changed.  I remember the same windmills and same humpty dumpty head from when I was a kid.  It was kind of bittersweet playing with my kids and watching their excitement, but then remembering how we used to do things like this as a family when my dad was still a normal dad.

But then I have another memory of the place.  My dad used to love golf, and we'd sometimes go with him to watch him hit balls on the driving range at this same course.  I still remember the sound of his metal golf cleats when he would walk across the pavement to the driving range. I also remember a time when he had a raging adult tantrum and how embarrassing it was.  The grass was wet and he wanted to hit the golf balls a couple feet ahead of where you were supposed to.  I guess it was a dryer spot.  He was told for his own safety, and for the safety of the other players, he could not do that.  That's when the screaming meltdown started, between him and the manager.  Only the manager remained calm.  I remember everyone staring.  I remember thinking my dad had a good point, but this sure was embarrassing and why couldn't he just calm down?  I remember the anxiety it brought on just like it was yesterday. 

I was 10 or 11, which means he was about 39.  I will never stop wondering, thinking back about other times similar to this, was this the start of the disease?  Was it part of the personality changes, the irrational anger the disease brings on during the early stages, when the frontal lobe of the brain is just beginning to deteriorate?  Did he have this in his 30's and 40's?  And if he has the genetic mutation that caused this disease, am I doomed to get this in a matter of 5 years?  It's something I try to ignore, but the thought...the fear...is always there.  Always.