In hindsight, it probably was for the best that it took this long to sell. It took me awhile to come to terms with this. Selling his home and him having no idea. It feels so wrong. But I know he can never live on his own again, and it needed to be done.
As I am going through my dad's files today to pull out his original durable power of attorney papers that we will need for the title company tonight, I am reminded of what a painful day that was getting them signed. One I will never forget. There were so many times I felt like we were tricking him in to getting things done that we needed. I know he didn't fully understand our requests, but we started to realize that he would do whatever we asked him to. It was sad because we realized (too late) that this is what was going on with outsiders looking to take advantage of him. And they had for years. I know we had his best interest at stake, we were helping him, and it was for his own good. But I still felt like I was being sneaky or doing something wrong.
After much research and soul-searching, meetings with lawyers I didn't fully trust and who could never seem to answer all my questions, we decided not to follow through with filing for guardianship. I struggled with my dad being served papers notifying him that I would be his guardian, going through the courts for it - maybe even seeing my dad in court...not to mention it was costly, time-consuming, and would require us to go back through the court for every decision made. I lost sleep over it and I couldn't do it, there had to be another way. The lawyer I worked with kept pushing that was the only way. So I kept searching for another answer.
I made an appointment with another elder-care attorney's office. They were amazing. Night and day between the two offices. The receptionist who took my call was very knowledgeable and kind. The lawyer returned my calls right away, got us in for a meeting right away. And best of all, disagreed with what the other lawyer had advised. Guardianship was the last thing we wanted to do, if we could avoid it. If he was at all willing to come in and sign durable power of attorney papers, a living will, etc. for us, it would be so much simpler, much less costly, and much much quicker! I was so relieved they were willing to go this route with me.
They got us in within the week, had the papers drawn up within days, and had us come back with our dad to sign everything. This is the day that will always be ingrained in my brain. It turned out to be a snow day for my kids. So we all took a trip up to the lawyers office. My sister had the task of surprising my dad in the morning and getting him out for one of his last appointments. He of course obliged and was happy to get out and see us. He showed up in his not so clean sweatpants, looking ragged, confused, but happy to see us and the kids.
The lawyer did their best to explain why he was there and kept asking if he understood. He would say yes. But when asked if he could explain back why he was there, he couldn't. Long uncomfortable pause, and then "no, I can't." So once again, she would try to explain differently, in simpler shorter terms. And when asked if he was ok with everything he'd say yes. But when asked to repeat, silence again. He just couldn't. It was heartbreaking and so uncomfortable. You could feel the tension in the air, the lawyer trying so hard to get him to understand, the witness quietly waiting, my sister and I silently willing him to be able to put this into words, terrified they would not allow him to sign and force me to file for guardianship. All I could think about was how brilliant he once was. How successful he was in his business, you couldn't get anything past him. His brain calculated numbers and figures with ease. These are the things WE would go to HIM for. And now he was stumped. At a loss for words. He truly just did not understand. I think he was embarrassed and uncomfortable, but he still sat with pen in hand waiting to sign. And then they let him, and so he did.
Now it allows us to take care of him and do things like sell his house without him being involved or even knowing about it. And I feel so so guilty. But I have to keep thinking my role is to take care of him and have his best interest at heart. And I do, and I know we're doing the right thing. It just feels so wrong and unfair that we have to.
I feel like with some of the stuff that happened in the end that just fell into place, that there had to have been a higher power watching over us. This lawyer was truly our savior. They had so much compassion for the situation. I feel like they put themselves at risk for this.
Turns out this visit was just in time. The following week my dad was arrested while trying to get into parked cars looking to bum a cigarette, and from there he went straight to the VA Home.
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