Getting into the VA Home

Everything seems so smooth now, that I forget how hard it once was.  I can’t believe this was 2 years ago now.  And thinking back on it, I can’t believe some of the craziness we went through.  Sometimes I think it’s probably best I waited 2 years to go back and revisit some of this stuff.  It’s such a relief that we are in a better place.  The disease is worse, and it’s hard to watch the decline.  But it’s a blessing he is where he is, and it’s nice to be reminded of that sometimes.

We had known throughout the diagnosis process that we would need to find a place for my dad to live.  We knew we couldn’t take care of him and keep an eye on him 24x7 , not to mention keep him away from the bad behaviors he so badly craved and obsessed over  every 15 seconds, like alcohol, roaming the streets looking for cigarettes, spending money...

But we had no idea how we would get him to agree to go, how he would afford it, and what place would be willing to put up with his behaviors.  He was still young, active (only 64), and looked relatively healthy compared to anyone else being placed on a wait list for nursing homes.  We weren’t sure where he would fit in.

Our uncle suggested the VA Home in Sandusky.  They had already visited it a few months back and had good things to say about it.  But it was so far.  And I felt weird about going with the first option without doing some more research.  I overanalyze everything, so I wanted this to be no different, to help ease my conscience.

I made lots of phone calls, learned more than I ever wanted to know at my age about Medicare (even though he was still a year away from eligibility), looked into how we could increase his social security/VA benefits, and very soon realized my uncle was right.  Besides the outrageous cost that my dad could not afford, there was not one single facility that would allow smoking.  To me, I liked the idea of a nice and updated assisted living facility that would be close by.  But I knew he would never be happy if he couldn’t smoke.  And they would never be able to keep him safe and on-site, because he’d be in constant search of a cigarette.  They’d kick him out in no time.

So our research went back to the VA Home.  The application process seemed simple enough.  Just some forms to fill out, some medical records needed, and voila, right?  WRONG!!!  Being stuck in the middle of the VA (US Department of Veterans Affairs) where he got his medical care and diagnosis from and is federally funded and the VA Home in Sandusky, which is state funded was one of the most ridiculous experiences I can ever remember going through.

After I submitted the application and the paperwork and followed all the instructions on the VA Home’s website, (as well as from numerous phone calls with the Administrative side of the facility itself) I was told it could be a month or so before we heard anything.  By the time I heard back, I was told they didn’t have any of the medical records they needed.  Well that’s weird, I thought.  But I figured ok, I’ll just call over to the VA myself and get them to send the records again. 

I don’t know if I’ve described before what it’s like trying to get someone on the phone from the VA before.  But it’s a crazy process.  Voice mail?  Who needs voicemail when you can call and listen to a ringer over and over and over again, only to have it click off and hang up on you?  And when you do finally get ahold of someone, you are starting over from square one trying to explain the situation and what is needed.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they had a computer system they could just look up a patient in and catch up quickly?  Well. They. Don’t.  It takes several hoops to jump through to just get ahold of someone from his family doctor’s office and to get them to agree to forward any records they have over.  But when you do that, you find out they really don’t have any records to send anyway, other than maybe a recent flu shot.  Records?  Who needs records?  I still don’t understand why the real diagnosis from the initial neuropsych testing and the MRI showing the holes in his brain were not enough, but they weren’t. 

And ready for the kicker?  After all this time waiting for the application to be reviewed and told we needed more, and then tracking down what we could from the VA again, we were told that the information was now OUT OF DATE.  It was beyond 30 days and it was now TOO OLD…  Are you kidding me?  Are you saying he needs to go through this testing again?? Do you understand what we went through in the first place to GET him to these tests?  Do you realize you can’t even get an appointment with the VA without an 8 week wait?  I remember asking the social worker from the VA Home what happens if we can’t get everything they need, and she simply said well then he doesn’t get in.  She explained they need to be able to determine his correct level of care. That they are audited by the county board of health, and they check the dates.  It felt like I was trapped in some twilight zone.  There was no way to win this.  And even if we miraculously got them what they needed, after they reviewed everything, would they agree to let him in?  Would they find out about the alcoholism and say they can’t take him?  I can’t even remember it all now because I think I blocked it out.  But somehow, someway we scrapped together what they needed.  We got his doctors to sign what they needed to sign, fill in some physical BS stuff, and the VA Home FINALLY agreed they had what they needed.  We just needed to wait for their answer.

I don’t know that we ever got a YES, but we got an invitation to come check the place out.  So we scheduled a visit with my dad.   He said he was interested in checking it out.  As if it was a nice day trip we were taking him on.  We carefully tried to hint that he might want to live there, that he would have his meals cooked for him daily, he’d never run out of food, he’d have cigarettes, and his finances would be managed.  He’d have things to do.  He agreed he would like to see it, but didn’t know that he would want to stay there. 

We knew the VA Home has a few different levels of care.  We were hoping he would qualify for the assisted living where he would still have his freedom.  We did our best to coach him in advance.  We went over questions they might ask him, reminded him what he can still do on his own.  Gave him a cheat sheet of what medications he needs to take and when.  He seemed to get it, and we just crossed our fingers he would pass their tests and be willing to sign paperwork to enroll.  We had our POA papers, but I didn’t want to have to force him if he didn’t want to.  But I also knew he couldn’t stay where he was, and I didn’t know where else he could go.

I remember the day we picked him up.  He was dressed up in an outfit he used to wear for Christmas.  He had on his dress shoes and nice overcoat.  I was so relieved he wasn’t in his usual ripped up dirty sweats.  It made me so sad to see though, because he looked so normal and I felt like we were trying to trick him into leaving his home.

The drive down went ok.  We were so fortunate to have our uncle come with us, because the thought of getting him out of the house and kept calm the entire drive to Sandusky brought me a lot of anxiety.  He commented a lot about the scenery and told us about all the things he would like to do and try.  Things he never used to discuss, and I’m not completely sure these were really things he wanted to do, or if his brain was in such a positive phase from the disease (which was a nice change from the last 10 years) that anything and everything sounded good to him.

When we got into the assisted living meeting room, you could sense him shutting down.  He was very quiet and withdrawn.  He seemed like he didn’t want to be there, and I was praying he wouldn’t say he wanted to leave before we even started.  A nurse from that section talked with him a little to see if she felt he could handle living independently with them.  I think we were all a little naïve at how bad off he was.  We figured he’d gotten by on his own this long, and all he needed was a little extra care.  But the nurse came to speak with us after and said she did not think he could handle the assisted living.  They really are on their own.  It was more independent than I even realized.  They come and go as they please, rooms are inspected monthly…he’d probably leave site with the other guys and go to bars non-stop.  He’d spend money he didn’t have, and he’d probably burn his room down with a lit cigarette before it was inspected in a month’s time.  We were all a little disheartened that this nurse could pick up on his condition this quickly and knew he couldn’t handle it.  It was eye opening that he was worse than we were willing to accept.

So we went over to the nursing home side of the facility feeling dejected.  Because after seeing the assisted living, this just looked and smelled like a nursing home.  The residents were easily 20 years older than him, most in wheel chairs and not able to get around.  When we sat down to meet with the nurse from this side, we discovered they were interviewing us for the locked care section.  That was not what we were expecting.  Lock down at age 64?  How can we do this to him?  We convinced them to let us consider the regular nursing care instead during one of my dad’s many agitated smoke breaks.  He asked if we thought he’d take off and be confused and get lost.  We said no, he’s not like that and his sense of direction is perfectly fine.  So he agreed to walk us through that interview.  I hated to admit it, but it did seem like a better fit than assisted living, it was just hard to accept all in one day.  At least the residents still had their freedom, but it was a little harder for them to come and go.  And they still had all sorts of activities and group events he could participate in. 

We took a tour of the facility and I kept watching my dad, thinking he must feel like we’re walking around a hospital.  We saw the rooms that housed 2 to 4 people.  You could get on a wait list for a single room, but it took awhile (meaning people had to die to get to your turn, which was an unpleasant thought). It was difficult to swallow.  But he kept saying everything looked nice.  I don’t know if he meant nice as in I could live here, or nice as in this is a nice day trip tour.  I don’t know if he really got it.

We then met with their financial administrators and went over paperwork and applications and this was the scary part.  They had all the paperwork and applications and consent forms completed.  We just needed to sign them.  I didn’t know if he would or if he wanted to.  I knew I could talk him into it, because he could be talked into anything, but I hated to do that.  But whether he understood or not, he signed himself in.  He was all set.  So this was really it.  He passed.  We passed!   We just had to wait for a bed.   It was a weight lifted. We were done with our day trip and heading home.  But I couldn’t help but worry when the bed was available, how were we going to get him here to stay?

Bittersweet...

After a year on the market, dad's house finally sold!  Seeing it in the state it was once in, and all the issues it had, I never thought we'd be able to sell it for what it could be worth.  But we actually did better than I expected, so it was worth the wait.  Today is closing day. 

In hindsight, it probably was for the best that it took this long to sell.  It took me awhile to come to terms with this.  Selling his home and him having no idea.  It feels so wrong.  But I know he can never live on his own again, and it needed to be done.

As I am going through my dad's files today to pull out his original durable power of attorney papers that we will need for the title company tonight, I am reminded of what a painful day that was getting them signed.  One I will never forget.  There were so many times I felt like we were tricking him in to getting things done that we needed.  I know he didn't fully understand our requests, but we started to realize that he would do whatever we asked him to.  It was sad because we realized (too late) that this is what was going on with outsiders looking to take advantage of him.  And they had for years.  I know we had his best interest at stake, we were helping him, and it was for his own good.   But I still felt like I was being sneaky or doing something wrong.

After much research and soul-searching, meetings with lawyers I didn't fully trust and who could never seem to answer all my questions, we decided not to follow through with filing for guardianship.  I struggled with my dad being served papers notifying him that I would be his guardian, going through the courts for it - maybe even seeing my dad in court...not to mention it was costly, time-consuming, and would require us to go back through the court for every decision made.  I lost sleep over it and I couldn't do it, there had to be another way.  The lawyer I worked with kept pushing that was the only way.  So I kept searching for another answer.

I made an appointment with another elder-care attorney's office.  They were amazing.  Night and day between the two offices.  The receptionist who took my call was very knowledgeable and kind.  The lawyer returned my calls right away, got us in for a meeting right away.  And best of all, disagreed with what the other lawyer had advised.  Guardianship was the last thing we wanted to do, if we could avoid it.  If he was at all willing to come in and sign durable power of attorney papers, a living will, etc. for us, it would be so much simpler, much less costly, and much much quicker!  I was so relieved they were willing to go this route with me.

They got us in within the week, had the papers drawn up within days, and had us come back with our dad to sign everything.  This is the day that will always be ingrained in my brain.  It turned out to be a snow day for my kids.  So we all took a trip up to the lawyers office.  My sister had the task of surprising my dad in the morning and getting him out for one of his last appointments.  He of course obliged and was happy to get out and see us.  He showed up in his not so clean sweatpants, looking ragged, confused, but happy to see us and the kids. 

The lawyer did their best to explain why he was there and kept asking if he understood.  He would say yes.  But when asked if he could explain back why he was there, he couldn't.  Long uncomfortable pause, and then "no, I can't."  So once again, she would try to explain differently, in simpler shorter terms.  And when asked if he was ok with everything he'd say yes.  But when asked to repeat, silence again.  He just couldn't. It was heartbreaking and so uncomfortable.  You could feel the tension in the air, the lawyer trying so hard to get him to understand, the witness quietly waiting, my sister and I silently willing him to be able to put this into words, terrified they would not allow him to sign and force me to file for guardianship.  All I could think about was how brilliant he once was.  How successful he was in his business, you couldn't get anything past him.  His brain calculated numbers and figures with ease.  These are the things WE would go to HIM for.  And now he was stumped.  At a loss for words.  He truly just did not understand.  I think he was embarrassed and uncomfortable, but he still sat with pen in hand waiting to sign.  And then they let him, and so he did.

Now it allows us to take care of him and do things like sell his house without him being involved or even knowing about it.  And I feel so so guilty.  But I have to keep thinking my role is to take care of him and have his best interest at heart.  And I do, and I know we're doing the right thing.  It just feels so wrong and unfair that we have to.

I feel like with some of the stuff that happened in the end that just fell into place, that there had to have been a higher power watching over us. This lawyer was truly our savior.  They had so much compassion for the situation.  I feel like they put themselves at risk for this.

Turns out this visit was just in time.  The following week my dad was arrested while trying to get into parked cars looking to bum a cigarette, and from there he went straight to the VA Home.

Managing the Finances of an FTD Patient

So after taking over my dad's finances, it became apparent how difficult they were going to be to manage.  There was no way to stop him or any of his new "friends" from accessing the money.  His social security check would go in, and in a matter of days it would be spent.  We decided to open up a new account and have his checks go to the new account.  Since it was an account he wasn't familiar with, I hoped that by transferring over money to his old account a little at a time, we could buy time to get his bills paid before all the money was gone each month.  He'd make daily trips to the bank to withdraw money.  And of course, he never went alone.  I'd get updates from a couple of the bank tellers that knew the situation to tell me XX came in with him again to take out money from his account.  I felt like it was only a matter of time before they discovered he had a new account, and there was nothing that could be done to keep them from accessing it. But he seemed to understand he was being given an "allowance" now and he was ok with me taking over his bills.  At least this way he was guaranteed to have utilities and groceries.  And he seemed to understand that.  It actually worked out pretty well for a little while.  Until this popped up one day...

I figured I'd paste in my email to my family, since it captures the frustration better than I can now 2 years later.

                            

RE: An Overdraft Notice is Available Online (WTF)

Sent: Friday, November 15, 2013 10:30 AM
what?!?

 

11/13/2013

Auto Deduct

PROG DIRECT INS INS PREM

190.66

I don't even know what this is for! There's nothing to click on for more detail. I've never seen this before.  Is this that insurance X was talking about - she had a policy set up with her and him?  So of course he's paying it.  Am I supposed to call her and tell her to cancel?  Is it really $200 a month?  This is just a never ending battle and I want to throw my hands up and say forget it.  Now he's in the hole $200.  Is he going to keep getting NSF fees until 11/20 when his SS comes in?  Well hey, I called the lawyer on Fri and again on Monday.  at least he's called me back....NOT. It's only been a week.

 

Sent: Friday, November 15, 2013 11:26 AM
I called the bank to see how many more fees he's going to incur.  She said he'll get another $28 on Monday, and then his SS should be in before the next one.

 

I asked about any accounts I can put myself on with him where he can't access the money and she said there are no options without guardianship or power of attorney.

 

Maybe I'll have to use one of his checks next time and write myself a large check, put it in my account and pay his bills that way.  What a pain.

 

I also called Progressive to see if I could find out more about the policy and how to cancel.  Of course they wouldn't give me much info. since I'm not on the account.  I explained the situation with dad and how he's being taken advantage of.  They said "hypothetically" I can't do anything, and neither can dad.  X set herself up as the primary policy holder and dad as the secondary.  So even if he wanted to cancel, he couldn't without her approval.  Basically all we can do is set up a stop payment with the bank and eventually it will get canceled that way.  Silver lining is he assured me this would impact her credit and not his.

 

A couple months later I was able to close these accounts down completely and open up a new joint account between my dad and his children at a new bank.  He didn't know how to access it, but didn't need to.  We took him out for his errands, brought him his food, and not too long after he was placed in the VA Home.  Now his finances are a breeze, and we are so fortunate he is able to be where he is.

 

He unfortunately received a call from X about six months later while he was at the VA Home. She wanted him to pay the outstanding insurance that we put a stop payment on and apparently was impacting her credit now.  How she thought he would be able to access funds while he was sick and living in a nursing home is beyond me.  What goes around comes around lady.

 

 

 

Continuing down the path to find a diagnosis...

We lucked out and got another appointment with the neuropsych dr. the following week on 9/23/13.  My uncle took him to this appointment.  He said he basically read from the summary sheet I wrote up to explain what we have been seeing.  It's so hard to explain the changes from before and after in a short appointment and get the severity across - all in front of the patient.  The more that I read about FTD and other families experiences with the disease, these symptoms sound like the classic textbook case.  Here were some points that were noted:

• Complete personality change over the past 5+ years. Has worsened in the past 6 mos - year.
• Everything he worked for over the years is gone - all investments and savings, life insurance policies - all cashed out.
• Almost $30,000 in credit card debt.
• Signs up for book clubs, DVD clubs, magazine subscriptions, sweepstakes scams - any junk mail he receives, he will send in a check and join.
• Liens filed on his business for unpaid payroll taxes.
• House looks like a hoarders nightmare with years worth of mail piled up.
• Doesn't appear to understand how to control the spending in his bank accounts - overdraws his account monthly, spends twice as much as is going in.
• A female is exploiting him and he consents to everything - checks written to her, credit cards opened for her, she keeps his car for her own personal use, goes into his bank with her so he can withdrawal money for her.
• Spends the day doing crossword puzzles, talks to himself, shuts down when you try to bring anything up, doesn't appear to comprehend the severity of the situation.
• Living conditions are unsafe, hygiene is bad, he is not the same person he once was.

These points were read to the doctor in front of my dad who didn't appear to react to any of them.  The neuropsych set up a cognitive assessment to aid in his diagnosis.

Upon leaving, my uncle did not know how my dad would react.  But it appeared to not phase him at all.  All he said on the way to the elevator was that he thought it went well...yet another point to add to the expanding list of strange behaviors.

Scheduled Neuropsych visit - 9/16/13

This was a crazy day.  My dad's business taxes were due for a business whose financial records were a mess.  I spent a lot of time trying to piece together what I could, trying to make sense of what little information he had by matching it up to his bank records.  I had to call in a favor to the woman from his bank who was in on this situation.  She would often call and warn us when X would come in with my dad to withdrawal money.  She was able to help piece together his check records and helped me discover that he continued to write himself paychecks every month.  Sometimes several times a month.  In his mind, that was how he got paid.  It didn't matter that he didn't have money in the bank to actually cash the check.  And did his business ever deposit the payroll taxes from these checks?  Of course not!  Which is where the countless tax notices from various organizations stemmed from.  Month after month after month...

 

So I needed to finish the tax return as best I could so my dad could sign it.  The other problem was my dad's doctor appointment was in the middle of the day.  He does much better with his morning appointments because he is always home when we come to get him (by surprise, never a warning so X doesn't find out about it and make him change his mind!).  From 11:00 on we never knew when we could catch him because he would start walking the neighborhood - his daily routine.  Sometimes X would pick him up (in his car she kept).  But we had no choice, we had to take the appointment we could get and hope we could get him there.  It was always very stressful, with a lot of worrying the night before about whether or not we would actually make it to the appointment with him.  This day, we decided to have my sister go get him early and bring him to my house so we would know where he would be.  We were worried about keeping him occupied for that many hours.  We figured he'd get antsy, would keep asking for beer, and just wouldn't be able to contain himself in my house.  But it was the best option we had. 

 

Well, this was our plan.  But here is an email from that day I wrote to my uncle that explains what actually happened...

 

Just wanted to let you know my dad's appointment did not happen today.  My sister took the day off work and picked him up this morning while I finished up his business taxes that were due today.  I also made an outline of what I wanted this therapist to know.  I decided to call the VA this morning to make sure we were going to the right location, which is when I found out the appointment had been cancelled, the doctor called in sick.  This was about 30 seconds before my sister pulled into my driveway with my dad.  Needless to say I'm beyond frustrated with this process and the pace things are moving.  So all we accomplished today was getting my dad out of the house (which seemed to be good to him), we got his taxes signed and filed, and I got a new mail forwarding address form from the post office signed by him so I can get his mail. 

We did discover some interesting pieces of information though.  He still has those "visitors" at his house.  They appear to be living there in his spare room. 2 young, young females, though we swear one looks like a young boy.  He insists they're two women.  "X set this" up he says.  He said that a couple weeks ago too - she set this up to happen once his utilities were back on.  So now we're thinking they are living there and paying rent to X!

He also said that cigarettes are so expensive and that for the last year or so X has been rolling cigarettes for him - or someone she knows has been doing it.  The last year is when his behavior has taken a turn for the worst, so I'd really love to see if these cigarettes are laced with anything.  He didn't have any left and had regular ones today, but we will keep an eye out for any chance to get ahold of one.

He still seems slow and spacey, and forgetful, and just backwards in public.  I really hope we can get a correct diagnosis soon.  I left a message to reschedule this appointment.  So far they said he's not available again until 10/23!!!, so I'm going to see what I can do to try to get him in sooner.  I'll keep you posted.

 

I can't even describe the planning and stress that goes into getting him to an appointment, and then the feeling of absolute disappointment when it doesn't work out.  The scheduling at the VA is completely absurd when it comes to emergency situations.  Six weeks is the standard wait for each and every appointment.  So we felt total defeat after this day.

9/3/13 First appointment towards finding the diagnosis

I've been doing a bad job at going back in time and putting some of the back story on here.  There is so much to this.  Not just the present situation, but how we came to the diagnosis, and some of the horrible incidents that happened long before we knew he was sick.  It tore the family apart and took many years to figure out why.  I always used to pray that we would some day find out that he felt bad for all that he did, and how he treated the family.  I just wanted to know that he recognized it and felt remorse, even if he couldn't ever admit it to us.  Never did I expect it to be a disease like this.  I should be relieved that it wasn't his fault.  But it just makes me more sad that this disease had to come in and ruin half his life.  And he has no idea.  With it being Veteran's Day, it made me think a lot about him.  Growing up, I never used to give much thought about his service in Vietnam.  It was something he never talked about.  But the older I get and I am able to understand and appreciate what these veterans have done for us, I am truly proud of him.  I also can't help but wonder if this disease stemmed from him being in Vietnam.  How unfair for a person to be drafted, go to war, and then end up with this horrible life-altering disease because of it?  We will never know.  Unless of course another family member gets it and we discover it is genetic.  Either way, it's unbearable.

So getting back to his very first appointment leading to his diagnosis.  It was with a social worker from the VA on September 3, 2013.  My Uncle took him to the appointment with my one page summary of his symptoms - recent and past  - in hand.  Here is an email I sent my family about it after I had spoken to the social worker after his appointment:

Dad signed a consent form so that she could speak with family members for his health issues, so she was able to call me and talk.  I think this stands for all his future medical care.  She said he wasn't very forthcoming, which isn't surprising.  And not new to her either, dealing with all personality types there.  She picked up on his hygiene/appearance.  He told her he showers daily, and she tried to put it tactfully that she didn't think he showered today.  He told her he drinks 2-3 beers/day.  I told her that isn't true, and she knows she can't go off what a patient says, she said they lie all the time.  She said she gave him a memory test.  It doesn't hold a lot of weight in diagnostic testing, but he did poorly on it.  She said it's obvious (X - insert name of woman who took advantage of him) is involved big time and she feels she is exploiting him.  She said she called twice while he was in the appointment, and it was clear she didn't want him there.  (Strange how he answers mid-session).  I think his issue is he shuts down when he's asked questions like this, but since he wasn't able to go out and smoke or dive into a crossword puzzle, this was tough for him.  I think he shut down by not having a lot to say.  She said she's going to write it all up to his doctor and see if she can get him in sooner, and get him in for blood work also - that should be done through some sort of geriatric testing, but he needs the papers from his doctor.  I asked if she could have the dr. call me if we can schedule him sooner, because calling dad won't do any good.  Especially if X has anything to say about it.  The social worker wants to give Adult Protective Services a call.  She thinks its warranted in his case - even if I said no, she would probably be obligated to call based on what she found today.  It may speed things along, and at the least help us get guardianship over his finances sooner.  My other thought, is would he just sign that over to us right now?  Not really sure what he needs to sign, or how that is done.  I guess that would be another call to the attorney's office.

And here was my uncle's perspective after the appointment:

I took your dad to his VA appointment today - he was a little puzzled about the reason for the interview but co-operated when I explained we were going to initiate the process toward additional VA benefits. He indicated that X had already told him that she felt there were opportunities for further benefits.

We met with the social worker and I explained to her in detail the circumstances of your dad's financial and behavioral problems. I described his relationship with X and the apparent level of control she has over him.  I tried to make clear the extent to which we feel she has taken control of his life.   Your dad was surprisingly unresponsive during my presentation and offered very little comment. Ironically, during the interview, X called your dad's cell and her tone and demeanor toward him during the call (the phone volume was high enough for all to hear) spoke volumes to support our description of X and her influence over your dad. Incredibly, she even called back minutes later with a "furthermore".  The social worker was taking notes throughout -- the episode was not lost on her.

She got your dad to agree to respond to a lengthy series of oral questions - a psychological and cognitive assessment I imagine. -- he was a little irritated by some of the questions but completed the test anyway.

She feels it is necessary to accelerate the time until his next doctor visit. She said she will arrange this with the doctor and call us to advise the new date for the examination. Your dad was agreeable to this and said he would co-operate.

She also got him to sign a consent form which allows the VA to share his medical records and evaluations with you, your sister and myself.

So, that is how today went.

Let me know if any questions.

 

Looking back at this, I still can't believe how "easy" it was.  He cooperated for every appointment along the way, but we worried the whole time he would not.  He hated doctors and never went.  I think it was a fear thing.  It was so strange to us that he kept going.  We started out being kind of sneaky about it trying to almost trick him into going.  But we soon realized that wasn't necessary and he almost looked forward to getting out of the house and going.  It was such a blessing in the end.  The next appointment on the agenda was with the neuropsych on 9/16...

Manipulation continues to haunt us

There are many facets to the story we haven't covered yet.  A big part of it is my dad was really taken advantage of by one woman in particular.  He believed she was his friend.  As he got sicker and his judgment became worse, she latched on and pretty much took all financial control.  He was in his mellow/I'll sign whatever you want phase and he pretty much consented to anything and everything.

We had heard from the police that this person was very well known in their department and has been on their radar for years.  She's very good at manipulating and working the system.  We met with our lawyers and there isn't much we can do to prosecute, because we didn't have a diagnosis at the time all of this money was being spent, and he consented to it. 

The employees that worked at the bank he frequented were aware of the situation as well.  She would often come in with him and flirt with the male tellers.  They said he would do whatever she wanted when she came up to the window with him.  But since he was consenting, their hands were tied.  They even came in one day trying to get a home equity loan on his house.  He went outside to smoke and pace, which became routine with the OCD aspect of his disease.  He could not sit still.  And I think sitting there and trying to answer questions he didn't understand was uncomfortable for him.  So he said he would agree to whatever she was trying to do.  Luckily his credit was already too screwed up for the loan to go through. 

We found all this out at the tail end.  We were too late.  The money was gone.  Investments that he had spent years building up were drained, insurance policies all cashed out, and credit card debt racked up in the double digits. 

But the manipulation did not end there.  Over time we learned she had his car and used it for her own personal use.  She totaled it so he bought another one on his credit card, and she took that one too.  He didn't even have a key for it anymore.  It was hers.  He never said no.  Every response was a passive "that sounds like a good idea".  We found out at one point she had his drivers' license as well.  Credit cards were opened for stores that he in no way would ever shop.  She set up the squatters that lived in his upstairs spare bedroom, who trashed the place.  We'd find things out in passing.  Like "dad, why is your basement trashed?  what happened?" and he'd tell me the girls upstairs had a party down there with some of their friends.  Drugs involved I'm sure, based on what was left behind in their room when they were finally kicked out.  It is so utterly sickening how somebody can take advantage of a person that is clearly not in their right mind.

When my dad went to the nursing home we wiped this woman's identity from everything he owned.  Got him a new phone, took any evidence out of his wallet, and he never once brought her up in the 3.5 months that he's been there.  She used to call me, trying to get on our good side with the ploy that she was trying to help him.  But once he was gone, she never once tried to call and find out how he was doing.  Until now, that is, when she needs money again... Yep. She's back.

She called a couple days ago and left me a message about the car insurance on my dad's old car.  The one she used as her own.  She strategically set up the insurance policy putting herself as the primary policy owner, and him as the secondary.  But had the payments automatically deducted from my dad's bank account.  Payments that were nearly $200/mo, because of the DUI history.  When we had the police take the car back from her a few months ago, I couldn't cancel the policy because my dad was on as the secondary owner.  They really couldn't even talk to me, even though I have power of attorney.  So I put a stop payment on it on the bank's end and eventually closed all my dad's bank accounts.  

 

Her message this week said that the collections department has been bothering her and they need proof that the car is no longer in her possession/or under my dad's name before they can cancel the policy.  She said they talked to my dad and he agreed to pay the open balance.  (Yes, you read that right).  I called the insurance company and although they couldn't talk specifically about the account, they said that it is the primary owners responsibility to pay all outstanding debts.  So basically it doesn't affect my dad whether it is paid or not.  Finally something backfired on her.

 

We decided to call the nursing home to see if my dad had gotten any calls.  And sure enough she had called and talked to my dad before she called me.  No one has heard from her since he moved to the nursing home in February.  But apparently when she wants money, she knows how to reach him.  The staff said they were leery of the call.  They overheard my dad saying he would have to check with his daughters, but didn't know what he meant.  I cannot even fathom why she would think that calling him would ensure her bill be paid off.  She knows he has no access to his accounts.  What is he going to do from a nursing home?  All I can think of is she knows it will make us mad if she keeps harassing him, and it will get us to pay the bill off. 

 

At this point the staff cannot legally restrict calls, but they assured us they will do what they can to try and deter and screen them for us, and keep us in the loop.  I'm just scared that this was a reminder to him of his past, and he's going to start saying he wants to go home.  I cannot believe how low someone can stoop.  Even her. 

But we're the kids...

Dad's house is officially on the market now and we're struggling with it almost as much as when we determined that he needed to be placed in a nursing home.  These are huge decisions that many of us need to face at one time or another, but when it's at least a decade earlier than ever imagined, it makes it even more difficult.

We're supposed to be the kids here.  Our brother's not quite 30-years old.  I don't think something like this was even on his radar. My sister and I say all the time that we don't feel like the adults, yet we've been having to make so many decisions on dad's behalf. We always went to him for the advice. Dad always knew what to do - especially financially.  Now he can't balance a checkbook nor do we let him have one anymore. 

Over the last several months we've seen just how devastating this disease is.  Watching someone unravel and deteriorate before our eyes has been difficult to say the least. Cleaning up after the mess has been even more so.  We're not talking just elbow grease here, which there's been plenty of, but all the creditors, taxes, HOA fees, even gas stations and grocery stores have him listed as owing money to them.

So this house has to sell.  We need every penny and then some. Every time we let ourselves get upset that it's come to this, we tell ourselves this is how it has to be.  Dad is safe, fed, has round-the-clock care and activities, while still keeping a very familiar routine that he had in his own home.  We are so fortunate and proud that he's a veteran and in good hands at the VA Home. They treat him with respect, unlike some of the questionable characters he hung out with at his home.  There's finally some relief and reassurance for the family.

It's ok now, Dad. We've got this.