Little white lies

It's so hard to know what dad's thinking or how he feels about anything because the FTD seems to really dull the emotions.  So when we need to inform him of something, we get so nervous about how he might react.  It's been this way since we started tiptoeing around the idea of putting him in the VA home, all the doctor appointments he had to endure, and every decision we needed to make for him by first having him sign on the dotted line.  It always felt so awkward for us, wondering if he might snap and resist us. 

So far it hasn't been an issue at all.  He seems fine every step of the way, which has really been a blessing in disguise for us.  But for some reason, it still doesn't make it any easier.  Just this past weekend we had to tell him we wouldn't be able to make it out to see him. 

No one wants to be the bearer of this news because he seems to look forward to our visits.  We talk about it for days and then finally someone has to just do it.  I started initiating some calls to him but he's gotten into a habit of either not charging his cell, or not answering it.  I gave it a few tries, while taking a deep breath in anticipation of disappointing him.  When he still didn't answer, I had to try the nurses' station next.  They were very nice and went to go get dad to put him on the phone.  He sounded pretty good and upbeat and always starts the conversation with, "Hi. So what's going on?" I told him we weren't able to come by and started rambling little excuses and little white lies.  "Well, it's tax season and I think Denise has to work today..."  She wasn't working, but usually does, and it really was tax season, so a half-truth.  "...and Ricky has a car appointment, I think." He did, although it probably wasn't going to happen until the next weekend. Oops!  "...and Brett's on-call this weekend, so he can't travel that far in case he gets paged." Turns out he did get paged all weekend, so he took one for the team with my little white lies. Suprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, he was fine with it.  I told him next weekend for sure and he of course closed with, "make sure you bring me a pack of cigarettes when you come."  Easy peasy.

I just didn't have it in me to tell him the real reason we were hanging back. We had planned to make another go at cleaning out his house instead, but we still can't quite muster up the courage to tell him this. But it's quite evident it was good reason to skip a visit this one time.

This isn't even everything. I think this was the second time we've filled the garage with trash and junk.  It's amazing how much stuff one person can collect in less than a decade, but it was quite clear he didn't know how to part with things or even throw out the trash sometimes.

And here it is on his treelawn a few days later...

 

It didn't all fit in the frame of one photo...

This is all from inside the house.  We haven't really begun to tackle the garage and we still have a little more in the basement to go through. It's absolutely exhausting and sad to see this happen to a loved one.  And even more sad that they don't recognize it as being a problem. 

This weekend, we definitely are visiting dad.  As difficult as it is seeing him in the nursing home, it's far better than seeing him here...living like this.