It was the first time that everyone was busy with things going on, so I went to see dad by myself. For many families, one-on-one is usually no big deal, but for us it's always been awkward. What were we to talk about? I haven't had a real dialogue with dad in decades, maybe, ever. So that was part one of my fear, but part two is and always will be what if something changes in his demeanor or behavior that I can't handle on my own? We worry about changes in his brain that we know might be coming soon, but we just don't know when. The day he takes a fall because his legs are too tired. The day where something might set him off or he might be angry. The day where he wants to leave the facility to go "home."
So far, so good. He is still in good spirits and happy to see visitors. Or in this case, visitor. I think...
He gave his usual chuckle and smile when they let me into the dementia unit to see him. I said, "it's just me today!" And, because FTD has stripped him of a filter, the first thing he said was, "I like it better when Brett, Mark, and Rick come so we can shoot pool." I know not to take this personally and joked, "well one person visiting is better than no persons and I can shoot pool with you." He agreed, and then said, "and I can get some cigarettes out of the deal." Sigh...he's happy to see me even if he doesn't always know how to express it.
I wondered how the visit would go but it was the usual routine of taking the same route to the member's lounge to shoot some pool, pointing out things along the way, and talking about the day's agenda, which is usually the same thing each time. Get some coffee, shoot pool, dad gets to smoke, and repeat until it's been a couple hours and it gets close to a meal time. Then we usually stop outside, out front of the building so he can have one more smoke. Sometimes we stop and look at the birds in the lobby before heading back to the unit.
Since it was just the two of us, I played pool the entire time. He still shoots well and I'm still pretty lousy, but I did make a few good shots. Dad's pretty tuned into numbers all the time, so I think he really enjoys calling all the shots, not only for himself but anyone who plays with him. "Eleven ball in the corner pocket?" Most of the time I don't know what I'm doing so I go along with his suggestions. On some of the tricky shots, he'd tell me to bank it off the rail or off another ball, and to my surprise, I actually sank a few that way! But most of the time, according to him, Denise and I "tend to rearrange the balls on the table more than anything else." Guess we need to work on our game! Although once in a while, he'd accidentally hit one of my balls in and I'd give an enthusiastic "THANKS!" and he'd laugh.
At one point when we were heading back to the unit, we talked about upcoming visits. I told him there was a picnic coming up for the veterans on the 20th that we were hoping to take him to. It would be a rare weekday visit, which will be nice. At that point, he checked his phone to see what the current date was and said, "It's the 3rd. It was your mother's birthday yesterday." I was shocked. Sometimes he loses track of dates - you just never know what you'll get with this disease. He doesn't say anything more about it and we move on.
As he was having his last cigarette outside, I told him I'd have to get going soon because I needed to run 13 miles when I got home. "Thirteen miles?!" I explained that I was training for my first marathon. He asked, "how did you get started with all this marathon running? Was it Denise?" In that brief moment, we had an actual conversation about something. It was nice, but it was fleeting, and he soon he was back to reminding me of the routine.
"So when we go back, you'll sign me back in...and turn in the cigarettes...and stop by my room with snacks...and I'll wash my hands and go eat supper?" 3x or so.
Oh, and we stopped to look at the birds, too.
I have to say, visiting dad solo wasn't so bad. We had some nice conversations.
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